I can't believe I haven't written since Monday. Where has my week gone? I have no idea. I thought instead of commenting on Meyer Monday, I would continue with A Truth About Me. It's about time I started to wrap this one up anyway.
Now, I'll go on record to say that, yes, some women do cry in order to get their way but by this time in our relationship we had been together seven years and, in all honesty, he should have known me better than that. I simply don't cry to get my way!
The fact that he said that made it all the more easy for me to shut off that part of my emotional self. He reduces my emotions down to a manipulative school-girl ploy and expects me to just take it? Oh no you don't, Buster! I'll show you! I just won't cry at all!
Zip! Zilch! Done! Whenever I felt that tightening of the throat and prickle in my eyes, I would literally, drill sergeant-style start forbidding myself to cry. I would do all sorts of deep breathing, counting to ten, picturing kittens playing in my head, etc., to make it stop. And, you know what? It worked! I was tear-free in just a matter of a few short weeks!
Now here's a little secret I want to share with you all: You can't shut down one aspect of your emotions without holding the rest hostage. You want to suppress sadness, anger, hurt, grief, pain? Fine. But you are also going to give up joy, happiness, laughter, awe, hope and love. The pendulum can and will swing both ways but you can't just make it stick to one side. Doesn't work that way.
Refusing to let my husband in on all the bad stuff going on inside of me meant I couldn't let him in on all the good stuff, too. No more sharing ideas, thoughts, dreams, amusements, hopes. Nope, it's an all or nothing kind of thing and for my own "safety" I chose nothing.
This does not make for a happy marriage. That's not to say things got ugly around here, they didn't. But growth did not take place. An erosion of sorts occurred instead. Thank the Lord, He got to me before it all crumbled into nothingness.
Fast forward to today: I no longer bury my emotions and cry freely whenever the mood strikes - this is a good thing. My husband and I are in a good place. I'm completely open with him now as I am pretty much with everyone. It wasn't an easy road to hike, these last 12 months or so, but it wasn't all that difficult either. The Lord carried me most of the way, anyway.
I don't know where this story will lead to after this post. There is more to tell you about - how I got from point A to point B and where I'm at with my food addiction now - and I will tell you about it soon. It's just that, really, it's an ongoing process. It never really ends, I suppose. I can tell you this much though - honest self-examination isn't all that pretty and there were some pretty hard pills to swallow. Some of those pills I still have to go!
I hope you continue to join me on this journey!