Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Dead-Dog Image

The Dead-Dog Image is something that resonates with me. I'm happy to say, however, not nearly as much as it used to.

When my husband first met me, he was amused yet astounded at not just my reluctance to talk to employees at a retail store but my absolute refusal to do so. I would gladly walk up and down the aisles looking for whatever it was I needed before ever asking an employee for help. I didn't want to "bother" them. I thought I was being an inconvenience to them. A nuisance. I didn't see myself as having the right to their assistance that simply being a customer entitles you to. I didn't deserve their help.

Where this notion came from, I have no idea. I do know that over the years I've come to realize that I just don't do well speaking to people I don't know. What's funny is that I worked in retail most of my life. Apparently, I was into self-torture as well.

Most of that has changed now. Glory be to God! I can pinpoint exactly when I was thrust into overcoming this fear of speaking to strangers. It was very soon after my baby girl was born.

You see, London was born with A LOT of hair. Tons! Her hair literally stopped people in their tracks whether they be at the grocery store, mall, park, restaurant, bank - you name it. They had to stop and comment and ask to touch her little head. Then each and everyone of them were compelled to tell me about their baby/grandbaby/niece/nephew/child down the road who either did or didn't have hair like my little girl.

Of course, this meant that I had to talk to these complete strangers! Not an outing went by where I wasn't thrust into a conversation with someone. I remember many, many times I'd be in the grocery store, London secure in her brightly-colored, padded grocery cart cover when we'd round the corner down the cereal aisle and there they would be. That cute elderly couple you just knew had grandchildren of their own. And the Sybil-esque voice would start in my head, "The people! The people! The people!"

Inevitably, they'd spot her out-of-control curly tresses, smile and make a bee-line for the mom who they were sure wanted to talk endlessly about them. *sigh*

This happened so often that, without my even realizing it, I came out of my shell. Now, you'd be hard pressed to shut me up!

It's funny to me how God works sometimes. I never once prayed for help in this area of my life yet God saw a need, an area that needed growth and without so much as a word to me (because I'm sure I would've protested) He began His work on it.

I enjoy talking to people I don't know so much now that I sometimes go out of my way to do so. I'll happily discuss my children but even more happily discuss yours. Or whatever else is important to you.

And if you work in a retail store, you can bet your bottom dollar, I'll be asking for your help!

The Dead-Dog Image has died in this girl!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

So Sorry...

I am running behind! I have not forgotten my blog or my valued blog readers! I'm just up to my bunny ears is "stuff" to do.

I promise to be back a.s.a.p or as soon as I get a minute to myself.

Of course, if I do get a minute to myself this blog may just lose out to a much needed nap instead!

Stay tuned!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Meyer Monday

The Dead-Dog Image

Mephibosheth was the grandson of Kind Saul and the son of Jonathon, who had been a close covenant friend to David. Crippled as a youth, Mephibosheth had a poor self-image, a dead-dog image. Instead of seeing himself as the rightful heir to his father's and grandfather's legacy, he saw himself as someone who would be rejected.

When David sent for Mephiboseth, he fell down before the king and displayed fear. David told him not to fear, that he intended to show him kindness. Mephibosheth's response is an important example of the kind of poor self-image we all need to overcome.

A poor self-image causes us to operate in fear instead of faith. We look at what is wrong with us instead of what is right with Jesus. He has taken our wrongness and given us His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21). We need to walk in the reality of that truth.

I love the end of the story. David blessed Mephibosheth for Jonathon's sake. He gave him servants and land and provided for all of his needs.

I relate Mephibosheth's lameness to our own weakness. We may also fellowship and eat with our King Jesus - despite our faults and weaknesses.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be


And Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David and fell on his face and did obeisance. David said, Mephibosheth! And he answered, Behold your servant!

David said to him, Fear not, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathon your father's sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your father [grandfather], and you shall eat at my table always.

And [the cripple] bowed himself and said, What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I am? ~ Samuel 9:6-8

Friday, July 25, 2008

Super Savings Saturday

My shopping extravaganza for the week:

First CVS:

I can't remember the details of everything, except that I got all of the above for a little over $12.00 OOP with $5.00 ECB's back. Not bad, not bad. I'm not hitting CVS like I used to these days. I did so stinkin' well the first few months that I'm completely stocked up on just about everything. So now I just keep an eye out for diapers, detergent and the occassional make-up steal. Like this one: I had swiped my CVS card in their coupon machine thinga-ma-bob and got a $3.00 off any Revlon cosmetic. I knew I had a $2.00 manufacturer coupon at home so I ran back to the house (I live all of 3 minutes from my CVS store) and grabbed it. CVS was having a B1G1 Free sale on Revlon products, combine that with my $5.00 in coupons and I got the above for .99 cents!

Now it's Walgreen's turn:They had several back-to-school items on sale this past week. Everything except the mini composition books (.5 cents ea.) and the paper clips (.19 cents each) is available for a full rebate. The really good news is that I paid for everything with my Walgreen's gift card that has all my other rebate money on it. I get a kick out of the fact that I'm just reusing the same money over and over again to buy new stuff!

Now for Walmart:
I'd just like to take a moment and thank Crystal over at for all the hard work she does so I don't have to! All I did with the above purchase was follow her directions on this post , clipped my coupons and off I went. I got everything above for $5.78. Here's what I did:

Kotex pantyliners - $1.00 minus $1.00 coupon = Free!
Johnson's Baby Shampoo - $2.12 minus $1.00 coupon = $1.12
(2) Huggies Clean Sweep - $5.46 minus $3.00 coupon = $2.46
(2) Muir Glen Tomatos - $2.48 minus $2.00 coupons = $.48 cents
(2) Tava 4 packs - $3.96 minus $3.00 coupons = $. 96 cents
(2) Bic Pens 10 pks - $1.76 minus $1.00 coupon = $.76 cents.

All total I saved $11.00 at Walmart thanks to Crystal! I've seen others make a much better killing than that but I'm a newbie at working the Walmart deals so I'm cutting myself a little slack. Not a bad start, though.

Check out for more great deals!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Truth About Me Part IV

With the first wall around my heart successfully built after deciding to close out friends, old & new, it was time to start construction on the second wall. This would come all too easily in 2001 when my dad died suddenly from pancreatic cancer.

I say "suddenly" because from the time of diagnosis to the time of death was nine days. Something had been terribly wrong with my dad's health for months but having that "pull yourself up from your bootstraps and shove on" mentality, Dad wasn't in all that of a rush to find out what it was. The cancer would have gotten him anyway. Pancreatic cancer is a losing battle. It's as painfully simple as that. I don't know if the extra time of knowing would have done any good. It would have just caused people to fuss over him and being fussed over was not something Dad was terribly interested in.

I handled my dad's death like a pro. Spoke clearly at his memorial without so much as a quiver and pulled my own self up by the bootstraps and shoved on! The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, ya know.

I came to understand that their are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Denial I could totally relate to seeing that is was pretty dang close to daydreaming and, since I consider myself a professional daydreamer, I jumped right in.

Being the impatient person that I am, I had no time for the three stages in the middle so I jumped ahead to acceptance. I saw no reason to even consider the other three since acceptance was where I was going to end up anyway, why not just get there sooner rather than later, right?

I had a simple plan: Anytime I felt myself even coming close to the other three or, heck, any kind of emotion resembling grief in any way, I would jump right back to denial since I was so good at it anyway. Besides, pretending is fun & easy. Why not do it in place of actually working through your emotions and heal from your grief? Phffftttthhh!!!!

Remember the movie Finding Nemo? Of course you do, it wasn't that long ago! Anyway, there's this scene where Dory and Marlin, after getting directions from the school of fish, are supposed to swim through the trench, not over it. Marlin decides that swimming through the trench looks dark and foreboding. He's scared to go through the trench (we all are). So he decides to do what looks easiest and that is, swim over it. Well, it turns out that swimming over it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sure, it started out fun but Dory and Marlin end up in worse trouble, more painful trouble, than they ever imagined. Trouble that nearly cost them dearly. Take it from me, you need to swim through the trench!

Oh, for heaven's sake! The jellyfish! Remember? The jellyfish, people! Remember? Dory almost died! It was not that long ago!

Anyway, back to my simple plan. The problem with it was that it was nearly impossible to NOT come close to those other emotions whenever I was around my brothers. I didn't want to avoid them, especially at this difficult time but I absolutely, positively, for my own "safety" (there's that word again) could NOT speak to them about the death of our dad. Do you know that NOT ONCE did I call my brothers afterwards and ask them how they were doing? Not once.

What? No nomination for Sister of the Year? Come on!

I just couldn't do it. I could not take on the pain and sorrow of my brothers'. Not for even one small phone call. I couldn't deal with my own. How could I deal with theirs? The truth of the matter is, when we help to carry each others burdens, we end up with less of our own to carry. I didn't know that at the time, and thus went up the second wall around my heart closing out my family.

As long as I kept my family at bay, I could continue mistakenly believing that I had accepted my dad's death and shove any emotions proving otherwise deeper down into my soul. And now that I had successfully barricaded my friends and my family from my heart, there was only one more person to go...

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Godly Self-Love

Joyce writes: We all need to ask ourselves what we are doing with the love of God that has been freely given to us.

I think this is an excellent question. What are you doing with it? What am I doing with it? Am I passing it on to others around me? Well, yes, sometimes.

But mostly, no.

Don't get me wrong - generally, I'm a nice person. I'm friendly to others, helpful & cheery but am I loving others the way God loves me? I've heard Joyce say before that we are not reservoirs of God's love, but channels. We shouldn't be storing it all up for ourselves but, instead, God's love should be flowing through and out of us.

I've also heard it said that we can't really love others until we first love ourselves. Am I loving myself the way God loves me? Well, yes, sometimes.

But mostly, no.

But I do love myself a heck of a lot more than I used to before putting God in the lead role of my life. I still fight the demons of self-doubt, self-criticism and negative thinking but many of those demons have given up the fight now that they see I have the power of God on my side and I'm not giving up. I have a long way to go but I'm getting there.

One thing I like to remind myself of is the fact that God is never wrong. God says I'm beautiful. God says I'm worthy. God says I'm good enough and God says I am made right through Christ. To say anything different about myself would, in every sense, be arguing with God. Now I don't know about you but I hate to lose an argument so I just try to remind myself that, when it comes to me, God is right and I just need to accept it.

I need to accept the fact that I'm worthy of God's love and that God sees me as worth loving. Once I fully accept that (sometimes it's hard to wrap my brain around the infinite depth of His love), then I will be able to really pour that love out of me and into the hearts of others.

What about you? Have you fully accepted the love God has for you?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Meyer Monday

The Bible teaches us that the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. That simply means that when the Lord, in the person of the Holy Spirit, comes to dwell in our heart because of our faith in His Son Jesus Christ, He brings love with Him, because God is love (1 John 4:8).

We all need to ask ourselves what we are doing with the love of God that has been freely given to us. Are we rejecting it because we don't think we are valuable enough to be loved? Do we believe God is like other people who have rejected and hurt us? Or are we receiving His love by faith, believing that He is greater than our failures and weaknesses?

We should love ourselves - not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way, a way that simply affirms God's creation as essentially good and right.

God's plan is this: He wants us to receive His love, love ourselves in a godly way, generously love Him in return, and finally love all the people who come into our lives.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be.


...God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:5

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My 100 Things

I'm skipping Super Savings Saturday this week, though I did find a couple of good deals over at CVS. Oh, and speaking of CVS, if you haven't gotten over there to get your free photo books, what's keepin' ya? Get to it!

In the meantime, I had completely forgotten about my 100 things until about a day or two ago. It's been pretty heavy around here, so why not lighten things up a little! See the rest of my list here.

Here we go:

80. I do not, can not and will not ever understand the fascination with The Rolling Stones.

79. I totally understand the fascination with Aerosmith!

78. I sometimes have dreams where my teeth are rotten and nasty and falling out. What does this mean?!

77. There is a part of me that could totally live in Alaska. It's a small, crazy part that I don't let out often, but it's there.

76. I am dead serious when I say I want to someday own a goat farm.

75. When I was little I wanted to be an actress, a rock star and a teacher.

74. I have eaten escargot and loved it. Twice.

73. I have stepped foot in 18 of the 50 states. Most of which I simply drove through.

72. I LOATHE peas. Don't even talk to me about them.

71. I honestly used to believe that Britney Spears was the normal one and Christina Aguilera was the troubled one!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Truth About Me. Part III

When I last left you, I said that telling you my story about when my compulsive eating began involved a friend whom I had no intention of hurting and, if necessary, I would skip that part.

Well, that good friend of mine proved even a better friend when she called me and immediately gave me the go ahead to tell the story.

The truth of the matter is, I probably had a food addiction before the issue with my friend, it's just that I seem to be able to pinpoint a seriously bad habit I formed right after that that I don't recall having before. A bad habit that, in my opinion, is worse than just shoving copious amounts of food into my mouth. That habit?

The act of knowingly, willingly and purposely ignoring my emotions, pushing my feelings down to the depth of numbness and closing off every person near and dear to me from my heart. Not good, my friends. Not good at all.

I've heard it said that when you bury your emotions, you bury something that is alive and one way or another it's going to dig it's way back out. Mine dug their way out in the form of a food addiction and compulsive eating among other things. Those other things I'm still trying to figure out. Heck, just the other day I realized I may have rejection issues. Who knew? But believe me, you'll know about them when I do!

Anyway, back to my friend. The long and short of it is, we were best friends for fourteen years. All through high school and then some. I was in her wedding, there for the birth of her second child and she rode every emotional rollercoaster ride with me that I could find. As a great many friends do, we found ourselves on different paths in life and, I don't know, maybe we just didn't know how to handle that. So we did the only thing we knew how to do and that was have a rip-roaring, all-hell-breaks-loose, knock-down-drag-out falling out. That was in 1997. We didn't speak afterwards for eight years.

EIGHT YEARS, people! Take it from me, that is a long time to hold onto anger and resentment.

The truth of it is, I was unwilling, for quite some time, to accept responsibility for my end of it. Sure, it may seem easier to put all the blame on the other person, but in the long run, you end up paying for it.

Anyway, as a result of constantly blaming her and not looking for any truth within me, I then took the next natural step - I ended up distrusting all of my friends. I figured if "she could do that to me, they all could". That is when the first wall went up around my heart. I not only no longer shared my emotions, problems, anxieties, fears, dreams or really anything of value for that matter with my friends. I also absolutely refused to form any new friendships with other women. As far as I was concerned, I was done in the girlfriends department.

Sounds healthy, right? I knew even then it wasn't healthy but it sure did seem safe to me. And "safety" was exactly what I was after. Oh, if I had only known about the safety of Christ at that time!

Now with friends "safely" on the other side of the first wall around my heart, it was time to get busy building the second one. That one would go up almost immediately after my dad's death in 2001. I'll fill you in on that part of the story very soon.

Until then, thanks for listening.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Root of Rejection

Rejection...hmm...this is not an easy topic. I can remember different times in my life when I was rejected for different reasons. I've been going over them in my head and I'm afraid that this is just going to come out like a "poor me" post.

But, then again, this has never been an issue that I've explored before, so maybe it's worth it for me to go over a few of these things...


Okay, I've sat here for the last twenty minutes or so typing out all the times I suffered rejection in my life and, while I absolutely agree that it deserves to be explored and I will, it was getting to be a really, really long story. So let's just say that I've suffered from rejection from time to time but, I truly believe that while, yes, I do need to explore this, I've suffered no where near what other people have.

Joyce writes, "If you are rooted in rejection, abuse, shame, guilt, or a poor self-image..."

Okay, poor self-image is definitely something I've struggled with. I have no idea where that comes from, really. Perhaps another post some other time on that. And, let's just say that rejection has been a part of my past. That I'm willing to face as well.

Joyce also writes, "your "tree" will bear depression, negativism, a lack of confidence, anger, hostility, a controlling spirit, judgmentalism, a chip on your shoulder, hatred, and self-pity..."

Can I get a ding! ding! ding! on the lack of confidence, anger and controlling spirit? That's a dead-on right there! It has never occurred to me that these issues that I struggle with may have something to do with my feelings of rejection that stem from the past. Wow. Really worth exploring further!

I'm thinking that there are going to be several times when Joyce gets me to explore what's been going on inside of me. And I'm also beginning to think that maybe I need a journal of some sort to really help me with this exploration. Is anyone else thinking online journal?

Because, you know, I could use another blog! lol!

Meyer Monday

The Root Of Rejection

Rejection starts as a seed that is planted in our lives through different things that happen to us. The devil does not want to plant just a seed of rejection. He wants to plant it deep so it will develop into a root that will go way down and have other little rootlets attached to it. Eventually these roots and rootlets will become a tree.

Whatever you are rooted in will determine the fruit in your life - good or bad. If you are rooted in rejection, abuse, shame, guilt, or a poor self-image - if you are rooted in thinking, Something is wrong with me! - your "tree" will bear depression, negativism, a lack of confidence, anger, hostility, a controlling spirit, judgmentalism, a chip on your shoulder, hatred, and self-pity. It leads you to say to yourself, "Well, the real me is not acceptable, so I need to produce a pretend me!"

All the areas of your life that are out of order can be reconciled through Jesus and the work that He has done on the cross. It happened to me, and God can do it for you. Begin to believe it! Don't settle for bondage, but be determined to be free!

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be


And God say everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good (suitable, pleasant) and He approved it completely. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. ~ Genesis 1:31

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Seek The Lord Sunday

This week over at Called Her Blessed, Daiquiri asks us to talk about Jesus. One of the questions she asks is, Who is Jesus to You? Well, if you've been a long-time reader, you know I like photo montages, so I'm answering her question with a series of photos. Enjoy!

He is the rock on which I stand:
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ~ Matthew 7:25

The one whom I cast my cares upon:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7
He is my new beginning:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! ~ Corinthians 5:17

He is my strength within:
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ~ Phillipians 4:13

He is my satiety:
"I am the bread that came down from heaven." ~ John 6:41

The foundation of my faith:
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1

The calm in my storm:
He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. ~ Matthew 8:26

He is a promise kept:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16

Jesus is my only path:
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ~ John 14:6

He is the one who paid my debt:

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
~ Isaiah 53:5

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Super Savings Saturday

It's Super Savings Saturday again over at . Come join the fun!

Here are my deals for the week:

Party City: I like hitting the clearance section at Party City. You just never know what you might find. This week, I stole got away with two rolls of gift wrap and a ribbon bow for $1.00 TOTAL! Yay!

Christmas in July:

In sticking with my $10.00 limit on (most) Christmas gifts, I found a bathrobe on the clearance shelf at CVS for $5.00 and this great brand-new picture frame at a garage sale for a $1.00. Both will be going to my mom this Christmas.


I did some speed shopping at Kohl's last week. I hit the 80% off racks ONLY! I refused to look at anything else. I walked away with four tops and a dress for under $20! You can't find prices like that at a consignment shop. Plus, the stuff I bought was NEW!

St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store:

Overall, I was not impressed with my local St. Vincent de Paul thrift store. The selection was horrible and the prices were outrageous! Lucky for me, they were having a 1/2 price sale so I thought it would at least be worth my while to check out their books. I picked up these four for less than $5.00. That was worth the trip!

Have a great week, everyone!


Did I say I'd write my thoughts about Joyce Meyer's writings on Tuesday? I meant Thursday. Yeah, yeah - Thursday.

To say that I've had issues with self-acceptance is an understatement. This is something I've battled my entire life but I'm happy to say, I'm on my way to victory. Maybe self-acceptance just comes with age because after awhile, you just get sick of the fight. You get tired of that nagging voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, this enough or that enough so you grab that little voice by the neck and shove it's annoying little self into a box and leave it on the side of the road somewhere.

You know, like people leave cats out in the country. That sort of thing.

I'm still working on it. I'm not completely there yet. But I can tell you this - finally accepting the fact that God accepts me AS IS has been a huuuuuge step forward for me. For the first (nearly) two years after I returned to the church, I had a hard time believing that I was good enough for God's family. I felt like a welcomed dinner guest but couldn't see myself actually making my home there with Him. Like Joyce Meyer said - I had been in the habit of rejecting myself so I automatically concluded that God would ultimately reject me as well. Why would someone so pure, so holy, so good and so perfect want me at His dinner table all the time?

It took some time, but I finally realized that I go to Christ to be cleansed, not go to Christ already cleaned up. If I (or you) were to wait until I had myself all spiffy and shiney before giving myself up to Christ, well, it just wouldn't happen, let's be honest.

Someone once gave me this example:

Say it had been a long, long time since you last saw your children and you finally got the chance to be with them again. Say your children came running up to you dirty and grimey, would you stop them before they reached you and told them they had to go wash up first before hugging you? No, of course not! God is the same way. He wants us even if we're dirty, grimey and a mess! Just as long as He gets us!

Well, He's got me and, together, we're doing a fine job of cleaning up my messes here & there. If you're a mom of a toddler you'll get this reference - God is like a great, big Magic Eraser!

God Bless!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Being The Person God Made You To Be.

*beep* *beep* *beep*
We interrupt this compulsive eating story to bring you this important message:

I've been wanting to start something new with my blog for quite sometime but it seems like everytime I want to start it, something comes up. Well, I'm determined to start it and start it I shall! I will get back to "A Truth About Me" in just a matter of days, I promise. The more I write on the subject, the more I find there is to write on the subject. I thought I'd be able to spew it all out in one boring post but it seems that my loquacious nature has gotten the better of me.

I just need to get this new thing started as well.

As many of you know, I have "Meyer Mondays" - that's when I post a page out of Joyce Meyer's "Being The Person God Made You To Be". I will continue to do just that but instead of just posting what she says in her book, I would like to add my comments about her writings and actually apply what she says.

Can you imagine? Apply the teachings of God! Who'da thunk?

I feel that it only makes sense, then to start at the very beginning of her book and go from there.

(let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start).

Sorry, I channeled Julie Andrews there for a minute. I'm back now. No worries.

So this is how it's going to work: On Mondays, I'll do "Meyer Monday" as usual. On Tuesdays, I'll post my comments about Joyce's writing, how what she says may or may not ring true with me, and how I will be applying (or attempting to apply) what she teaches to my life. From time to time, I'll update you on whether or not I'm succeeding in being the person God created me to be and ask for your prayers and support.

Or, at the very least, ask that you don't point and laugh at me. Because, you know, that would be mean.

So, are you ready? Good! Let's get started!


During my years of ministry, I have discovered that most people really don't like themselves. This is a very big problem, much bigger than one might think initially. It is certainly not God's will for His children to feel this way. Rather, it is part of Satan's attempt to ruin us.

If we don't get along with ourselves, we won't get along with other people. When we reject ourselves, it may seem to us that others reject us as well. Relationships are a vital part of our lives. How we feel about ourselves is a determining factor in our success in life and in relationships.

Our self-image is the inner picture we carry of ourselves. If what we see is not healthy, not true to the Scriptures, we will suffer from fear, insecurity, and various misconceptions about ourselves. For many years, it devastated my own life.

God is a God of hearts. He sees our heart, not just the exterior shell we live in (the flesh) that seems to get us into so much trouble. Our Father in heaven never intended for us to feel bad about ourselves. He wants us to know ourselves and yet accept ourselves in the same way that He does.

~Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be

May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love. ~ Ephesians 3:17

Thursday, July 3, 2008

A Truth About Me. Part II

Sorry about the delay. I'm fighting a nasty head cold and will be quite surprised if I'm able to string two coherent sentences together in this posting. Let's see if I can put more of this story together, shall we?

As I stated before, it was an Oprah episode that smacked me upside the head and made me realize something about myself I had never before. I remember the day clearly...

It was a cold and murky day...I'm kidding. It was actually quite nice out as spring was just turning into summer and yet I had decided to spend said nice day indoors cleaning my floor. I had the Oprah show on for "background noise". No, really! Oprah had her trusty fitness guru friend Bob Greene on and he was talking to several people who had found success using his latest techniques.

Now let me just stop right there and switch gears on you for just a minute. I'd like to discuss the term "self-medicating". I had heard the term several times on Oprah and Dr. Phil and similar shows (painting a real nice picture of a stay-at-home mom who does nothing all day but watch daytime television, ya think?) many times before. I had honestly never thought about applying the term to me or my issues with food. It really never occurred to me. I honestly thought that people who self-medicate, whether it be with drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, etc., did so because of some trauma experienced in their childhood. I didn't know that someone could experience a trauma in adulthood and then go on to self-medicate as a way of coping with that trauma. I know that sounds silly to say I never realized that, but it is the truth.

One of the women on Oprah that day told a story about how her job meant everything to her. It was her life, her passion, her identity. She told how when she was fired from her job she felt like a part of her died that day. She then explained how she went on to self-medicate with food to help her cope with her loss.

That's when I received the smack upside the head. There I stood, Bissell Steam Mop in hand, jaw agape and resting numbly on my semi-clean floor, staring at the t.v. Did I hear that right? This woman suffered a trauma as an adult and now she was self-medicating with food as a result of it?

The words "I'm self-medicating" came rolling of my tongue. I realized right then that self-medicating with food was, indeed, what I was doing. Thus began the process of delving back through my adulthood in an attempt to discover just what trauma I had endured. But, you know, I just couldn't think of anything. I didn't lose a beloved job. I hadn't suffered a divorce, lost a child, my house hadn't burned down, my dog didn't run away.

Okay, I've never owned a dog but still...

The only thing I could think of was my dad's passing from pancreatic cancer. But I had handled that so well. I accepted my dad's death upon diagnosis - before he even died. And, come to think of it, I was having problems with my weight and food before his death. If it wasn't my dad's death, what was it then? (turns out my dad's death did play a part in it)

Mentally, I went back to the time I first started plumping up and I narrowed it down, quite specifically, to the time my compulsive eating began.

I'm going to have to stop right there. Please believe me when I say that I WANT to tell you everything but to tell you the story about how my compulsive eating habits began is going to require some prayer. You see, telling you the story may end up hurting a friend. I have no interest in hurting someone even for the purpose of confession or to help someone who is reading my blog and struggling with their own food issues. I just won't.

I'll continue in a few days either with or without this component. In the meantime - sorry to leave you hanging - enjoy your holiday! Happy 4th Everyone!