Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Truth About Me. Part III

When I last left you, I said that telling you my story about when my compulsive eating began involved a friend whom I had no intention of hurting and, if necessary, I would skip that part.

Well, that good friend of mine proved even a better friend when she called me and immediately gave me the go ahead to tell the story.

The truth of the matter is, I probably had a food addiction before the issue with my friend, it's just that I seem to be able to pinpoint a seriously bad habit I formed right after that that I don't recall having before. A bad habit that, in my opinion, is worse than just shoving copious amounts of food into my mouth. That habit?

The act of knowingly, willingly and purposely ignoring my emotions, pushing my feelings down to the depth of numbness and closing off every person near and dear to me from my heart. Not good, my friends. Not good at all.

I've heard it said that when you bury your emotions, you bury something that is alive and one way or another it's going to dig it's way back out. Mine dug their way out in the form of a food addiction and compulsive eating among other things. Those other things I'm still trying to figure out. Heck, just the other day I realized I may have rejection issues. Who knew? But believe me, you'll know about them when I do!

Anyway, back to my friend. The long and short of it is, we were best friends for fourteen years. All through high school and then some. I was in her wedding, there for the birth of her second child and she rode every emotional rollercoaster ride with me that I could find. As a great many friends do, we found ourselves on different paths in life and, I don't know, maybe we just didn't know how to handle that. So we did the only thing we knew how to do and that was have a rip-roaring, all-hell-breaks-loose, knock-down-drag-out falling out. That was in 1997. We didn't speak afterwards for eight years.

EIGHT YEARS, people! Take it from me, that is a long time to hold onto anger and resentment.

The truth of it is, I was unwilling, for quite some time, to accept responsibility for my end of it. Sure, it may seem easier to put all the blame on the other person, but in the long run, you end up paying for it.

Anyway, as a result of constantly blaming her and not looking for any truth within me, I then took the next natural step - I ended up distrusting all of my friends. I figured if "she could do that to me, they all could". That is when the first wall went up around my heart. I not only no longer shared my emotions, problems, anxieties, fears, dreams or really anything of value for that matter with my friends. I also absolutely refused to form any new friendships with other women. As far as I was concerned, I was done in the girlfriends department.

Sounds healthy, right? I knew even then it wasn't healthy but it sure did seem safe to me. And "safety" was exactly what I was after. Oh, if I had only known about the safety of Christ at that time!

Now with friends "safely" on the other side of the first wall around my heart, it was time to get busy building the second one. That one would go up almost immediately after my dad's death in 2001. I'll fill you in on that part of the story very soon.

Until then, thanks for listening.


Mrs. Querido said...

Yeah, once your heart is broken by someone you loved, it is soooo difficult to open up to anyone ever again. Still working on that one myself.

mother of seven said...

interesting.... I have a friend that I just called. After I got my 20 yer reunion notice. And called her out of the blue. We were best friends. BUT I could not handle her hanging out with another girl we both knew. I miss her and hope to rekindle. she still hangs out with that woman now....... must get over it!!!!

It is a bigger story than I m telling....but hurt feelings are sometimes hard to get over!!!!!