Go See!

I did it! I launched my new blog. Go check it out:

Being The Person God Created Me To Be.

I'll be doing my best to post almost daily. To be honest, I don't know if I'll be continuing here at The Stumbling Christian. I have a few things to wrap up, but I hope you will make the move with me.

See you there!

Please Say A Prayer

A friend of mine, Cyndi, just emailed me and several of our friends asking for prayers for her friend, Anna.

Tragically, Anna lost her 15 month old son today. He died in his sleep while at the sitter's house. I don't know Anna but my heart breaks for her right now. Oh, how I wish I understood God's plans. How I wish I knew the plans He has in store for Anna. How I wish I could explain it all to her.

But there is nothing that can be said or done to wash away the pain that Anna and her husband are feeling right now. Nothing to make her say, "Oh, I feel better now. Thanks".

It's just not possible. Only God can mend her broken heart. Only God can heal her pain. Only God can get her through to the other side.

Months ago, the Holy Spirit kept me awake with a writing. He does this from time to time and I'm often compelled to get out of bed, go to my computer and type out whatever it is the Holy Spirit wants me to say. But this time was different. What the Holy Spirit was dictating to me didn't make sense to me because it didn't apply to me so I stayed in bed and somehow managed to fall asleep anyway, never typing a word.

I get it now. Here is the story Holy Spirit was telling me:

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I am a birth mother.

You may have friends that have adopted children and you've probably heard them say many times how thankful they are to the birth mother. These women, the birth mothers, have given them the one amazing and precious gift that is second only to the gift of salvation - the gift of a child.

Birth mothers give their children to the only other person who could possibly love them as much as they do, if not more.

Birth mothers give their children to the only other person who could possibly provide more for them. Teach them a little better. Heal them a little more tenderly. Forgive them a little more gracefully. Accept them a little more completely.

Birth mothers give their children to the only other person willing to die for them.

I am a birth mother.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby but, not long after, the Lord took him home to live with Him.

I got in some kisses and some hugs but not nearly enough. I took a few pictures, played a few games but not nearly enough. I carved out some memories and stored up some love, but not nearly enough.

Then my child went to live in his new home with his new parent, his Heavenly Father. The Lord has His reasons - this I understand.

But not nearly enough.

I am a birth mother. My child was adopted into God's family and the Lord will raise him now. I could give my child so much, but the Lord will give him more.

I love my child immeasurably, but the Lord will love him beyond that.

I would've forgiven my child after everything, but the Lord forgives before.

I wouldn't have died in the place of my child, but the Lord already did.

I am a birth mother.

The Lord did not promise me a child to begin with but He gave me one anyway. The Lord did not promise me an indefinite amount of time with my child, but I got some anyway. The Lord did not promise me a life without pain, but I got some joy anyway. But there's is one thing the Lord has promised me and that is a reunion.

And I will live the rest of my days longing for it, for I am a birth mother.

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Please pray for Anna and her family. I know you've never met her & don't know her last name but God will know who you are talking about. Pray the Lord will heal her and her family and bring them through to the other side, together. Thank you.

I'm Working On Something.

I'm working on something BIG. Something BOLD. Something NEW and EXCITING.

Well, I think so anyway. Do you want to know what it is? Okay, I'll tell ya! 'Cause I'm dying to tell ya!

It's a new blog! Yep, that's right a new blog. I'm not ready to unveil it yet. There's some work to be done - you know, decide colors, cute graphics, fonts, etc.

Where does that leave this blog? Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. There's definitely more to write here but I'm really feeling like God is leading me onto something else. I think my work here at The Stumbling Christian is coming to a close and I need to move forward. Challenge myself more. Maybe challenge you more. Maybe the new blog will cause you to challenge me more. I don't know but I'm excited to find out!

I hope you come along with me. I don't know what I'd do without you, quite frankly. As soon as I have it up & running you'll be the first to know!

Meyer Monday

God Has A Plan

If you have a poor self-image, it has already adversely affected your past, but you can be healed and not allow the past to repeat itself. Let go of what lies behind, including any negative ways you have felt about yourself, and press on toward the good things God has in store for you.

God has a good plan and a purpose for each of us and a specific way and perfect time to bring it to pass, but not all of us experience it. Many times we live far below the standard that God intends for us to enjoy.

For years I did not exercise my rights and privileges as a child of God. Although I was a Christian and believed I would go to heaven when I died, I did not know that anything could be done about my past, present or future. I had a poor self-image, and it affected my day-to-day living, as well as my outlook for the future.

Accept God's love for you and make that love the basis for your love and acceptance of yourself. Receive His affirmation, knowing that you are changing and becoming all that He desires you to be. Then start enjoying yourself - where you are - on your way to full spiritual maturity.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be.

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For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you ope in your final outcome. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

A Truth About Me Part V

I can't believe I haven't written since Monday. Where has my week gone? I have no idea. I thought instead of commenting on Meyer Monday, I would continue with A Truth About Me. It's about time I started to wrap this one up anyway.

When I left you last, I told the story about my dad's death and how it really affected me while I was pretending/believing that it didn't. That was the second wall to go up around my heart, keeping me "safe". With the second wall firmly in place, there was only one person left to keep out.

That was my husband.

Maybe it's taken me so long to write this particular post because this is the most difficult. Who wants to admit that they slowly and methodically walled the love of their life out of their heart? I honestly thought I could do this and maintain a marriage that was "just fine". I got news for you - when one person is not well in the relationship, the relationship is not well.

I can't tell you when I first started working on this third wall. I believe it was not long after my dad's death. You see, at that time I would do anything to not focus on my grief. Crying - any crying for any reason - reminded me of my dad's death. So I focused pretty darn fiercely on NOT crying AT ALL.

Like a lot of wives out there, I would often cry whenever my husband and I had a fight. Or when he'd do that thing that men sometimes do - you know, say something insensitive and stupid and not even realize it. I'll give you an example: my husband once declared that women cry just to manipulate.

Now, I'll go on record to say that, yes, some women do cry in order to get their way but by this time in our relationship we had been together seven years and, in all honesty, he should have known me better than that. I simply don't cry to get my way!

The fact that he said that made it all the more easy for me to shut off that part of my emotional self. He reduces my emotions down to a manipulative school-girl ploy and expects me to just take it? Oh no you don't, Buster! I'll show you! I just won't cry at all!

Ever.

Nothing.

No way!

Zip! Zilch! Done! Whenever I felt that tightening of the throat and prickle in my eyes, I would literally, drill sergeant-style start forbidding myself to cry. I would do all sorts of deep breathing, counting to ten, picturing kittens playing in my head, etc., to make it stop. And, you know what? It worked! I was tear-free in just a matter of a few short weeks!

Now here's a little secret I want to share with you all: You can't shut down one aspect of your emotions without holding the rest hostage. You want to suppress sadness, anger, hurt, grief, pain? Fine. But you are also going to give up joy, happiness, laughter, awe, hope and love. The pendulum can and will swing both ways but you can't just make it stick to one side. Doesn't work that way.

Refusing to let my husband in on all the bad stuff going on inside of me meant I couldn't let him in on all the good stuff, too. No more sharing ideas, thoughts, dreams, amusements, hopes. Nope, it's an all or nothing kind of thing and for my own "safety" I chose nothing.

This does not make for a happy marriage. That's not to say things got ugly around here, they didn't. But growth did not take place. An erosion of sorts occurred instead. Thank the Lord, He got to me before it all crumbled into nothingness.

Fast forward to today: I no longer bury my emotions and cry freely whenever the mood strikes - this is a good thing. My husband and I are in a good place. I'm completely open with him now as I am pretty much with everyone. It wasn't an easy road to hike, these last 12 months or so, but it wasn't all that difficult either. The Lord carried me most of the way, anyway.

I don't know where this story will lead to after this post. There is more to tell you about - how I got from point A to point B and where I'm at with my food addiction now - and I will tell you about it soon. It's just that, really, it's an ongoing process. It never really ends, I suppose. I can tell you this much though - honest self-examination isn't all that pretty and there were some pretty hard pills to swallow. Some of those pills I still have to go!

I hope you continue to join me on this journey!

Are You A Grasshopper?

We read in Numbers 13 of how Moses sent twelve men to scout out the Promised Land to see if it was good or bad. Ten of the men came back with what the Bible refers to as "an evil report" (Numbers 13:32). When the twelve scouts returned, they told Moses, "The land is good, but there are giants in it!"

The fear of the giants prevented God's people from entering the land that He had promised to give them. It wasn't really the giants that defeated these people; it was their poor self-image. They only saw the giants; they failed to see God.

Joshua and Caleb were the only ones who had a proper attitude toward the land. They said to Moses and the people. "Let us go up at once and possess it; we are well able to conquer it" (Numbers 13:30). In the end, they were the only ones who were allowed by God to go into the Promised Land.

God had a glorious future planned for all of the Israelites, but all of them did not enter into that future - only the ones who had a proper attitude toward God and toward themselves.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be.

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There we saw the Nephilim [or giants], the sons of Anak, who come from the giants; and we were in our own sights as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. ~ Numbers 13:33

Super Savings Saturday

It's Super Savings Saturday over at MoneySavingMom.com again. If you have yet to wander on over to Crystal's site, you need to go now. Right now!

Go on, get! I'll wait.

Okay, now that you're back - see, I knew you'd like it - I need your help.

I've decided that while the savings are great buying items on sale and with coupons, I think I can do better by making more at home from scratch. This will be quite a task considering I'm basically someone who meanders through the kitchen either to, A) get a cookie or B) make my way to the bathroom on the other side. I'm not much of a cook is what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, I've decided to drastically cut back on buying anything in a box (except pasta, I'm simply NOT going to learn how to make my own pasta) such as Hamburger Helper, PastaRoni, brownie & cake mixes, rice mixes, etc. I like the fact that I'll also be throwing away less as well.

I have recipes for cakes and brownies, so I'm good there. What I really need are sauce mixes. Sauces to put over pastas, chicken, turkey and whatnot. Crockpot ideas would be MOST helpful!

Care to help a super savings sister out? Leave me one or two of your favorite recipes. Nothing too difficult, I'm a kitchen newbie remember!

I really appreciate your help! Thanks in advance!

The Dead-Dog Image

The Dead-Dog Image is something that resonates with me. I'm happy to say, however, not nearly as much as it used to.

When my husband first met me, he was amused yet astounded at not just my reluctance to talk to employees at a retail store but my absolute refusal to do so. I would gladly walk up and down the aisles looking for whatever it was I needed before ever asking an employee for help. I didn't want to "bother" them. I thought I was being an inconvenience to them. A nuisance. I didn't see myself as having the right to their assistance that simply being a customer entitles you to. I didn't deserve their help.

Where this notion came from, I have no idea. I do know that over the years I've come to realize that I just don't do well speaking to people I don't know. What's funny is that I worked in retail most of my life. Apparently, I was into self-torture as well.

Most of that has changed now. Glory be to God! I can pinpoint exactly when I was thrust into overcoming this fear of speaking to strangers. It was very soon after my baby girl was born.

You see, London was born with A LOT of hair. Tons! Her hair literally stopped people in their tracks whether they be at the grocery store, mall, park, restaurant, bank - you name it. They had to stop and comment and ask to touch her little head. Then each and everyone of them were compelled to tell me about their baby/grandbaby/niece/nephew/child down the road who either did or didn't have hair like my little girl.

Of course, this meant that I had to talk to these complete strangers! Not an outing went by where I wasn't thrust into a conversation with someone. I remember many, many times I'd be in the grocery store, London secure in her brightly-colored, padded grocery cart cover when we'd round the corner down the cereal aisle and there they would be. That cute elderly couple you just knew had grandchildren of their own. And the Sybil-esque voice would start in my head, "The people! The people! The people!"

Inevitably, they'd spot her out-of-control curly tresses, smile and make a bee-line for the mom who they were sure wanted to talk endlessly about them. *sigh*

This happened so often that, without my even realizing it, I came out of my shell. Now, you'd be hard pressed to shut me up!

It's funny to me how God works sometimes. I never once prayed for help in this area of my life yet God saw a need, an area that needed growth and without so much as a word to me (because I'm sure I would've protested) He began His work on it.

I enjoy talking to people I don't know so much now that I sometimes go out of my way to do so. I'll happily discuss my children but even more happily discuss yours. Or whatever else is important to you.

And if you work in a retail store, you can bet your bottom dollar, I'll be asking for your help!

The Dead-Dog Image has died in this girl!

So Sorry...

I am running behind! I have not forgotten my blog or my valued blog readers! I'm just up to my bunny ears is "stuff" to do.

I promise to be back a.s.a.p or as soon as I get a minute to myself.

Of course, if I do get a minute to myself this blog may just lose out to a much needed nap instead!

Stay tuned!

Meyer Monday

The Dead-Dog Image

Mephibosheth was the grandson of Kind Saul and the son of Jonathon, who had been a close covenant friend to David. Crippled as a youth, Mephibosheth had a poor self-image, a dead-dog image. Instead of seeing himself as the rightful heir to his father's and grandfather's legacy, he saw himself as someone who would be rejected.

When David sent for Mephiboseth, he fell down before the king and displayed fear. David told him not to fear, that he intended to show him kindness. Mephibosheth's response is an important example of the kind of poor self-image we all need to overcome.

A poor self-image causes us to operate in fear instead of faith. We look at what is wrong with us instead of what is right with Jesus. He has taken our wrongness and given us His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21). We need to walk in the reality of that truth.

I love the end of the story. David blessed Mephibosheth for Jonathon's sake. He gave him servants and land and provided for all of his needs.

I relate Mephibosheth's lameness to our own weakness. We may also fellowship and eat with our King Jesus - despite our faults and weaknesses.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be

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And Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, came to David and fell on his face and did obeisance. David said, Mephibosheth! And he answered, Behold your servant!

David said to him, Fear not, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathon your father's sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your father [grandfather], and you shall eat at my table always.

And [the cripple] bowed himself and said, What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I am? ~ Samuel 9:6-8

Super Savings Saturday

My shopping extravaganza for the week:


First CVS:

I can't remember the details of everything, except that I got all of the above for a little over $12.00 OOP with $5.00 ECB's back. Not bad, not bad. I'm not hitting CVS like I used to these days. I did so stinkin' well the first few months that I'm completely stocked up on just about everything. So now I just keep an eye out for diapers, detergent and the occassional make-up steal. Like this one: I had swiped my CVS card in their coupon machine thinga-ma-bob and got a $3.00 off any Revlon cosmetic. I knew I had a $2.00 manufacturer coupon at home so I ran back to the house (I live all of 3 minutes from my CVS store) and grabbed it. CVS was having a B1G1 Free sale on Revlon products, combine that with my $5.00 in coupons and I got the above for .99 cents!

Now it's Walgreen's turn:They had several back-to-school items on sale this past week. Everything except the mini composition books (.5 cents ea.) and the paper clips (.19 cents each) is available for a full rebate. The really good news is that I paid for everything with my Walgreen's gift card that has all my other rebate money on it. I get a kick out of the fact that I'm just reusing the same money over and over again to buy new stuff!


Now for Walmart:
I'd just like to take a moment and thank Crystal over at MoneySavingMom.com for all the hard work she does so I don't have to! All I did with the above purchase was follow her directions on this post , clipped my coupons and off I went. I got everything above for $5.78. Here's what I did:


Kotex pantyliners - $1.00 minus $1.00 coupon = Free!
Johnson's Baby Shampoo - $2.12 minus $1.00 coupon = $1.12
(2) Huggies Clean Sweep - $5.46 minus $3.00 coupon = $2.46
(2) Muir Glen Tomatos - $2.48 minus $2.00 coupons = $.48 cents
(2) Tava 4 packs - $3.96 minus $3.00 coupons = $. 96 cents
(2) Bic Pens 10 pks - $1.76 minus $1.00 coupon = $.76 cents.


All total I saved $11.00 at Walmart thanks to Crystal! I've seen others make a much better killing than that but I'm a newbie at working the Walmart deals so I'm cutting myself a little slack. Not a bad start, though.

Check out MoneySavingMom.com for more great deals!

A Truth About Me Part IV

With the first wall around my heart successfully built after deciding to close out friends, old & new, it was time to start construction on the second wall. This would come all too easily in 2001 when my dad died suddenly from pancreatic cancer.

I say "suddenly" because from the time of diagnosis to the time of death was nine days. Something had been terribly wrong with my dad's health for months but having that "pull yourself up from your bootstraps and shove on" mentality, Dad wasn't in all that of a rush to find out what it was. The cancer would have gotten him anyway. Pancreatic cancer is a losing battle. It's as painfully simple as that. I don't know if the extra time of knowing would have done any good. It would have just caused people to fuss over him and being fussed over was not something Dad was terribly interested in.

I handled my dad's death like a pro. Spoke clearly at his memorial without so much as a quiver and pulled my own self up by the bootstraps and shoved on! The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, ya know.

I came to understand that their are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Denial I could totally relate to seeing that is was pretty dang close to daydreaming and, since I consider myself a professional daydreamer, I jumped right in.

Being the impatient person that I am, I had no time for the three stages in the middle so I jumped ahead to acceptance. I saw no reason to even consider the other three since acceptance was where I was going to end up anyway, why not just get there sooner rather than later, right?

I had a simple plan: Anytime I felt myself even coming close to the other three or, heck, any kind of emotion resembling grief in any way, I would jump right back to denial since I was so good at it anyway. Besides, pretending is fun & easy. Why not do it in place of actually working through your emotions and heal from your grief? Phffftttthhh!!!!

Remember the movie Finding Nemo? Of course you do, it wasn't that long ago! Anyway, there's this scene where Dory and Marlin, after getting directions from the school of fish, are supposed to swim through the trench, not over it. Marlin decides that swimming through the trench looks dark and foreboding. He's scared to go through the trench (we all are). So he decides to do what looks easiest and that is, swim over it. Well, it turns out that swimming over it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Sure, it started out fun but Dory and Marlin end up in worse trouble, more painful trouble, than they ever imagined. Trouble that nearly cost them dearly. Take it from me, you need to swim through the trench!

Oh, for heaven's sake! The jellyfish! Remember? The jellyfish, people! Remember? Dory almost died! It was not that long ago!

Anyway, back to my simple plan. The problem with it was that it was nearly impossible to NOT come close to those other emotions whenever I was around my brothers. I didn't want to avoid them, especially at this difficult time but I absolutely, positively, for my own "safety" (there's that word again) could NOT speak to them about the death of our dad. Do you know that NOT ONCE did I call my brothers afterwards and ask them how they were doing? Not once.

What? No nomination for Sister of the Year? Come on!

I just couldn't do it. I could not take on the pain and sorrow of my brothers'. Not for even one small phone call. I couldn't deal with my own. How could I deal with theirs? The truth of the matter is, when we help to carry each others burdens, we end up with less of our own to carry. I didn't know that at the time, and thus went up the second wall around my heart closing out my family.

As long as I kept my family at bay, I could continue mistakenly believing that I had accepted my dad's death and shove any emotions proving otherwise deeper down into my soul. And now that I had successfully barricaded my friends and my family from my heart, there was only one more person to go...


To be continued...

Godly Self-Love

Joyce writes: We all need to ask ourselves what we are doing with the love of God that has been freely given to us.

I think this is an excellent question. What are you doing with it? What am I doing with it? Am I passing it on to others around me? Well, yes, sometimes.

But mostly, no.

Don't get me wrong - generally, I'm a nice person. I'm friendly to others, helpful & cheery but am I loving others the way God loves me? I've heard Joyce say before that we are not reservoirs of God's love, but channels. We shouldn't be storing it all up for ourselves but, instead, God's love should be flowing through and out of us.

I've also heard it said that we can't really love others until we first love ourselves. Am I loving myself the way God loves me? Well, yes, sometimes.

But mostly, no.

But I do love myself a heck of a lot more than I used to before putting God in the lead role of my life. I still fight the demons of self-doubt, self-criticism and negative thinking but many of those demons have given up the fight now that they see I have the power of God on my side and I'm not giving up. I have a long way to go but I'm getting there.

One thing I like to remind myself of is the fact that God is never wrong. God says I'm beautiful. God says I'm worthy. God says I'm good enough and God says I am made right through Christ. To say anything different about myself would, in every sense, be arguing with God. Now I don't know about you but I hate to lose an argument so I just try to remind myself that, when it comes to me, God is right and I just need to accept it.

I need to accept the fact that I'm worthy of God's love and that God sees me as worth loving. Once I fully accept that (sometimes it's hard to wrap my brain around the infinite depth of His love), then I will be able to really pour that love out of me and into the hearts of others.

What about you? Have you fully accepted the love God has for you?

Meyer Monday

The Bible teaches us that the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. That simply means that when the Lord, in the person of the Holy Spirit, comes to dwell in our heart because of our faith in His Son Jesus Christ, He brings love with Him, because God is love (1 John 4:8).

We all need to ask ourselves what we are doing with the love of God that has been freely given to us. Are we rejecting it because we don't think we are valuable enough to be loved? Do we believe God is like other people who have rejected and hurt us? Or are we receiving His love by faith, believing that He is greater than our failures and weaknesses?

We should love ourselves - not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way, a way that simply affirms God's creation as essentially good and right.

God's plan is this: He wants us to receive His love, love ourselves in a godly way, generously love Him in return, and finally love all the people who come into our lives.

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be.

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...God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:5

My 100 Things

I'm skipping Super Savings Saturday this week, though I did find a couple of good deals over at CVS. Oh, and speaking of CVS, if you haven't gotten over there to get your free photo books, what's keepin' ya? Get to it!

In the meantime, I had completely forgotten about my 100 things until about a day or two ago. It's been pretty heavy around here, so why not lighten things up a little! See the rest of my list here.


Here we go:

80. I do not, can not and will not ever understand the fascination with The Rolling Stones.

79. I totally understand the fascination with Aerosmith!

78. I sometimes have dreams where my teeth are rotten and nasty and falling out. What does this mean?!

77. There is a part of me that could totally live in Alaska. It's a small, crazy part that I don't let out often, but it's there.

76. I am dead serious when I say I want to someday own a goat farm.

75. When I was little I wanted to be an actress, a rock star and a teacher.

74. I have eaten escargot and loved it. Twice.

73. I have stepped foot in 18 of the 50 states. Most of which I simply drove through.

72. I LOATHE peas. Don't even talk to me about them.

71. I honestly used to believe that Britney Spears was the normal one and Christina Aguilera was the troubled one!

A Truth About Me. Part III

When I last left you, I said that telling you my story about when my compulsive eating began involved a friend whom I had no intention of hurting and, if necessary, I would skip that part.

Well, that good friend of mine proved even a better friend when she called me and immediately gave me the go ahead to tell the story.

The truth of the matter is, I probably had a food addiction before the issue with my friend, it's just that I seem to be able to pinpoint a seriously bad habit I formed right after that that I don't recall having before. A bad habit that, in my opinion, is worse than just shoving copious amounts of food into my mouth. That habit?

The act of knowingly, willingly and purposely ignoring my emotions, pushing my feelings down to the depth of numbness and closing off every person near and dear to me from my heart. Not good, my friends. Not good at all.

I've heard it said that when you bury your emotions, you bury something that is alive and one way or another it's going to dig it's way back out. Mine dug their way out in the form of a food addiction and compulsive eating among other things. Those other things I'm still trying to figure out. Heck, just the other day I realized I may have rejection issues. Who knew? But believe me, you'll know about them when I do!

Anyway, back to my friend. The long and short of it is, we were best friends for fourteen years. All through high school and then some. I was in her wedding, there for the birth of her second child and she rode every emotional rollercoaster ride with me that I could find. As a great many friends do, we found ourselves on different paths in life and, I don't know, maybe we just didn't know how to handle that. So we did the only thing we knew how to do and that was have a rip-roaring, all-hell-breaks-loose, knock-down-drag-out falling out. That was in 1997. We didn't speak afterwards for eight years.

EIGHT YEARS, people! Take it from me, that is a long time to hold onto anger and resentment.

The truth of it is, I was unwilling, for quite some time, to accept responsibility for my end of it. Sure, it may seem easier to put all the blame on the other person, but in the long run, you end up paying for it.

Anyway, as a result of constantly blaming her and not looking for any truth within me, I then took the next natural step - I ended up distrusting all of my friends. I figured if "she could do that to me, they all could". That is when the first wall went up around my heart. I not only no longer shared my emotions, problems, anxieties, fears, dreams or really anything of value for that matter with my friends. I also absolutely refused to form any new friendships with other women. As far as I was concerned, I was done in the girlfriends department.

Sounds healthy, right? I knew even then it wasn't healthy but it sure did seem safe to me. And "safety" was exactly what I was after. Oh, if I had only known about the safety of Christ at that time!

Now with friends "safely" on the other side of the first wall around my heart, it was time to get busy building the second one. That one would go up almost immediately after my dad's death in 2001. I'll fill you in on that part of the story very soon.

Until then, thanks for listening.

The Root of Rejection

Rejection...hmm...this is not an easy topic. I can remember different times in my life when I was rejected for different reasons. I've been going over them in my head and I'm afraid that this is just going to come out like a "poor me" post.

But, then again, this has never been an issue that I've explored before, so maybe it's worth it for me to go over a few of these things...

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Okay, I've sat here for the last twenty minutes or so typing out all the times I suffered rejection in my life and, while I absolutely agree that it deserves to be explored and I will, it was getting to be a really, really long story. So let's just say that I've suffered from rejection from time to time but, I truly believe that while, yes, I do need to explore this, I've suffered no where near what other people have.

Joyce writes, "If you are rooted in rejection, abuse, shame, guilt, or a poor self-image..."

Okay, poor self-image is definitely something I've struggled with. I have no idea where that comes from, really. Perhaps another post some other time on that. And, let's just say that rejection has been a part of my past. That I'm willing to face as well.

Joyce also writes, "your "tree" will bear depression, negativism, a lack of confidence, anger, hostility, a controlling spirit, judgmentalism, a chip on your shoulder, hatred, and self-pity..."

Can I get a ding! ding! ding! on the lack of confidence, anger and controlling spirit? That's a dead-on right there! It has never occurred to me that these issues that I struggle with may have something to do with my feelings of rejection that stem from the past. Wow. Really worth exploring further!

I'm thinking that there are going to be several times when Joyce gets me to explore what's been going on inside of me. And I'm also beginning to think that maybe I need a journal of some sort to really help me with this exploration. Is anyone else thinking online journal?

Because, you know, I could use another blog! lol!

Meyer Monday

The Root Of Rejection

Rejection starts as a seed that is planted in our lives through different things that happen to us. The devil does not want to plant just a seed of rejection. He wants to plant it deep so it will develop into a root that will go way down and have other little rootlets attached to it. Eventually these roots and rootlets will become a tree.

Whatever you are rooted in will determine the fruit in your life - good or bad. If you are rooted in rejection, abuse, shame, guilt, or a poor self-image - if you are rooted in thinking, Something is wrong with me! - your "tree" will bear depression, negativism, a lack of confidence, anger, hostility, a controlling spirit, judgmentalism, a chip on your shoulder, hatred, and self-pity. It leads you to say to yourself, "Well, the real me is not acceptable, so I need to produce a pretend me!"

All the areas of your life that are out of order can be reconciled through Jesus and the work that He has done on the cross. It happened to me, and God can do it for you. Begin to believe it! Don't settle for bondage, but be determined to be free!

~ Joyce Meyer, Being The Person God Made You To Be

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And God say everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good (suitable, pleasant) and He approved it completely. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. ~ Genesis 1:31

Seek The Lord Sunday

This week over at Called Her Blessed, Daiquiri asks us to talk about Jesus. One of the questions she asks is, Who is Jesus to You? Well, if you've been a long-time reader, you know I like photo montages, so I'm answering her question with a series of photos. Enjoy!

He is the rock on which I stand:

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ~ Matthew 7:25

The one whom I cast my cares upon:

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7

He is my new beginning:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! ~ Corinthians 5:17

He is my strength within:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ~ Phillipians 4:13

He is my satiety:
"I am the bread that came down from heaven." ~ John 6:41

The foundation of my faith:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1

The calm in my storm:

He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. ~ Matthew 8:26

He is a promise kept:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16

Jesus is my only path:

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ~ John 14:6

He is the one who paid my debt:

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
~ Isaiah 53:5

Super Savings Saturday

It's Super Savings Saturday again over at MoneySavingMom.com . Come join the fun!

Here are my deals for the week:

Party City: I like hitting the clearance section at Party City. You just never know what you might find. This week, I stole got away with two rolls of gift wrap and a ribbon bow for $1.00 TOTAL! Yay!

Christmas in July:

In sticking with my $10.00 limit on (most) Christmas gifts, I found a bathrobe on the clearance shelf at CVS for $5.00 and this great brand-new picture frame at a garage sale for a $1.00. Both will be going to my mom this Christmas.

Kohl's:

I did some speed shopping at Kohl's last week. I hit the 80% off racks ONLY! I refused to look at anything else. I walked away with four tops and a dress for under $20! You can't find prices like that at a consignment shop. Plus, the stuff I bought was NEW!

St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store:

Overall, I was not impressed with my local St. Vincent de Paul thrift store. The selection was horrible and the prices were outrageous! Lucky for me, they were having a 1/2 price sale so I thought it would at least be worth my while to check out their books. I picked up these four for less than $5.00. That was worth the trip!



Have a great week, everyone!